a list

I made a list today. After looking at websites about housing, thinking about breaking my family into two parts. That’s not the best description, I don’t think. I didn’t get too far with that list, but I thought it seemed so doable when I was having an optimistic moment. It didn’t last very long, but I did come back to it throughout the day. The list wasn’t too long either, I should’ve been able to get something done.


And then the next day I wake up to you telling me, “none of it’s true! it’s not reality” I didn’t have another affair, its all in your head. After the first one, you meant, but didn’t say, accept I don’t think you really read my writing; you didn’t address any of the details, and I have more details. “What are you going out, and having affairs with men at Costco now?” You asked, as if I would ever. But, lets just say for a chapter, that you are telling the truth, none since the first one. What then, you jump back into bed and we love each other again? No more words needed, to discuss my concerns? Like maybe you and I just don’t agree on reality? Regardless, I will welcome the thought for a time.


We open a nice bottle of wine, something red and expensive, like an old Babcock pinot. It was their top cream chardonnay that got me, way back when, really excited and feeling luxurious. You always love their syrah, and all the other syrahs, but those are too big for me. Babcocks old cabs, now if we had another one of those. I think it was the Loin, that was so off the charts, best cab, was it 1990, before we were even married or met? We could really celebrate something good.


You would say, of course there is truth in it, but you add extraneous details for dramatic point; but I love you, and realize what I did really hurt you. It’s okay for you to be mad at me, it wouldn’t be healthy if you weren’t. And then I would think about the last time we had sex, I couldnt describe it as making love. There was a point where I had an awful picture in my head, with you and someone who knew you were married, but was overcome by some passion, I guess. And I sorta stopped, spaced out with sadness. Then I think you realized, when I came back to your eyes, that you didnt care. You just almost sneered, and finished the job. What were you thinking? When you were emailing her, about me your wife? Her husband later told me, “you should see what he said about you, it wasn’t very nice, you shouldn’t be with him.” What was I thinking? Did you ever really love me?


We did have great chemistry. What beautiful babies we’ll have, we thought; And we did.


But really she pursued him, there were phone calls, with silence on the other end. Really thats how I knew it was going to happen, before I knew anything, of course. Damn the internet some would say, you never would have reconnected with your old flame, if it weren’t for it. But it couldve ended there, with an I love my wife, we’re happy. Except It didn’t, I guess we weren’t. Except that I thought, at times, we were happy. I guess the problem for me, is I expect you to tell me everything, like that is what love is, sharing every tiny, huge, life, death, light thing with each other. What can you share with me now?


I’ve got to go somewhere positive with this, so lets get back to the truth. I remember when you used to kiss me, and it felt like we could do it forever, just a kiss could last all night. In your van, not like with the bed pulled out when we were camping, or just in the those middle seats, sweaty after a remote mt bike ride. But parked in front of the high school, like teen-agers steaming up the windows when love was new, we had to stretch our bodies across the center console. Yea, we had good times.


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